


Topaz

by setaxis



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Social Anxiety, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-05-28 00:36:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6306817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/setaxis/pseuds/setaxis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark loves much the way he does everything else, quietly, unthinkingly. He doesn't know when he fell in love with Jackson. He doesn't think it matters much. </p><p>xxx</p><p>I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,<br/>or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.<br/>I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,<br/>in secret, between the shadow and the soul.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Topaz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moondancerfay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moondancerfay/gifts).



> This work is based upon the poem at the beginning. The style is a departure for me. As it was a poem fic I wanted to try something very different and have short sections like verses (although it ended up more like a song). I also have shamelessly appropriated the song 'can't' in this fic and twisted fact to suit the fic. A massive thank you goes out to V for looking this over for me, love you five-everrr!
> 
> Dear recipient, there's no cheating in this fic but there is lots of confusion and heartache, so I hope that makes up for it! I hope you enjoy~

_**Sonnet XVII** _

_I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,_  
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.  
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,  
in secret, between the shadow and the soul. 

_I love you as the plant that never blooms_  
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;  
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,  
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. 

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where._  
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;  
so I love you because I know no other way than this: 

_where I does not exist, nor you,_  
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,  
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.  
_**Pablo Neruda** _

 

**1.**

Mark loves much the way he does everything else, quietly, unthinkingly. He doesn't know when he fell in love with Jackson. He doesn't think it matters much. 

He's not sure he's ever been in love before. Maybe some form of infatuation that burnt hot and bright and fleeting but not this creeping love, the kind that sneaks up so slowly that wraps round your heart like vines on a tree trunk. It doesn't hurt though. Not most of the time anyway. 

Although, looking over at where Jinyoung and Jackson lie bundled together as if they're one person, there is a dull ache in the centre of his chest. He isn't the person Jackson comes to first, he knows that. Not even second choice. That doesn't mean that sometimes he wishes he was something more than just the person who's just _there_.

**2.**

The camera points at them like a laser, waiting to cut them up.

"Mark doesn't talk so I have to!" Jackson cries, arms flailing. "It's like talking to a wall!"

Everyone laughs. Mark wants to disappear. 

**3.**

When Mark gets stressed, he writes lyrics. He's got at least three notebooks covered in almost illegible scrawl, words filling up every inch of the page. Most of it is nonsense. Sometimes he's not even sure where one language starts and another begins, Korean and Chinese and English all blurring together, just the way it is in his brain. 

He claimed once he doesn't have any thoughts. That isn't strictly true, but so much of the time he can't describe what he's thinking that it's easier to say he doesn't have any rather than attempt to use clumsy words and a leaden tongue. 

That's what his lyrics are. They aren't an outpouring of emotion like Jinyoung's or Jaebum's are, not anything fancily crafted either. They often won't come at all and he'll have whole pages full of half sentences and scribbles for weeks but he keeps writing them because always, without fail, he feels better afterwards.

**4.**

Mark pulls Jinyoung into his lap without thinking. Jinyoung may be taller than him and stronger than him, but there’s a part of him, because he’s a youngest sibling and has grown up with two older sisters that loved him and spoilt him probably, that means he loves to be taken care of and pampered. Mark doesn’t mind obliging.

He holds onto Jinyoung’s waist as he continues arguing playfully with Yugyeom and Bambam about something. Meat probably. Sometimes it’s nice for him just to be like this - connected to the rest of them through Jinyoung, letting their voices wash over him without having to talk or have the spotlight thrust upon him. 

He is content.

**5.**

Even though Mark will admit to wanting to kill Jackson sometimes he also will be the first to admit that he also really enjoys the guy's company. That's why he's always down when Jackson gets one of his crazy urges and wants to head to the river at one in the morning or find the best galbitang in the city or retrace the scene he saw in a film once. Being with Jackson is never boring and Mark loves that.

He doesn't really know why Jackson chooses him for his adventures apart from he's the one least likely to make a fuss - his usual two partners in crime, Jinyoung and Bambam, are not exactly subtle - but Mark isn't going to overthink it. He feels pretty lucky Jackson notices him at all, to be honest. He doesn't shine brightly like the others in their team. He's kinda... dull. Dim.

If there's one thing Mark knows about being surrounded by stars it's that you have to treasure the light while you can, because the heavens aren't fixed.

**6.**

In the dark recesses of his mind Mark keeps every secret he's ever been told. It's a strange thing to collect, probably. Other people collect stamps or beer mats or figurines but Mark collects secrets.

They aren't something he asks for, though. More like they get dumped on him and then he's stuck with them. It's not that he can't forget them but he chooses not to. It feels like payment for being friends with someone - if Mark remembers all the secrets they've ever told him Mark gets to keep that person too, gets to be their friend. When he forgets, that's when the tie will be severed and the friendship will be over.

So he takes their burdens too and tries to ease them. If someone tells him they hate being teased about their height, he won't do it. If someone tells him they don't think they're handsome, he'll tell them until they believe it. 

**7.**

"Why are you being so nice to me lately?" Jackson asks round a mouthful of ramyun. "I'm not complaining dude, I mean I am pretty damn amazing, who wouldn't want to compliment me? But like, you complimenting me. Doesn't that use up your daily word allowance or something?"

Mark shrugs and slurps more of his soup. His right hand itches for his lyric book.

"Shoulda known you wouldn't answer me. Guess I was right about your word allowance. You're like an enchanted prince in a fairy story or something - cursed only to speak three words a day!" Jackson grins. Mark grins back, not really because he feels happy but because Jackson's smiles are infectious. 

**_8._ **

Jinyoung is wrapped around Mark on the couch, warm and comforting. The room is dark. The only light comes from the television flickering in the background - some film Jinyoung claimed he wanted to see but hasn't really been watching - and Mark is on the edge of sleep when Jinyoung whispers a soft _hey_ in his ear. He makes a questioning noise into Jinyoung's arm.

“You and Jackson. You wanna talk about it?” Jinyoung says. Mark snuggles deeper into Jinyoung’s shoulder.

“Nothing to talk about.” He mumbles sleepily.

“We both know that’s not true. He’s been making that wall joke more and more lately. He only does that when he’s trying to goad you into talking more.” 

Mark frowns. “Not fighting.” 

Jinyoung interlaces their fingers and starts to draw lazy circles on the back of Mark’s hand with his thumb. “I didn’t say you were.”

“What then?” Mark manages through the haze of sleep. There’s a pause. That usually means Jinyoung is searching for the right way to say things, the way that’ll get the response he wants.

“Don’t you think you should talk to him?” 

“I do.” He murmurs in half-hearted protest.

“Not just telling him to turn off the light.” Jinyoung huffs. 

Mark hums then. He doesn’t know what Jinyoung wants him to say. It’s not that he’s ignoring Jackson. He talks to him as much as he talks to anyone - more even. 

"Mark, you can't expect him to read your mind. He said you don't tell him things any more, not the way you used to." Jinyoung says quietly. "He doesn't understand that it's because you feel comfortable with him you don't talk as much. He just sees it as you pulling away from him." 

Mark does nothing to indicate he’s heard, but Jinyoung drops the conversation anyway. It’s one of the things Mark likes best about Jinyoung - he knows when to back off and let it be. Unlike Jackson. Jackson is nothing like that and yet Mark loves him the most. He guesses some people give you what you want and some people give you what you need.

Although Mark hadn’t wanted the talk they’d just had and he’d gotten it anyway so maybe that was all bullshit. _He thinks you’re pulling away from him_ echoes in his head. He doesn’t think he is, not consciously at least, but the idea of Jackson being so upset he’s mentioned it to Jinyoung makes his heart clench. Jackson is not the type to complain about things that bother him. He keeps things secret and puts on a brave face and it’s up to Mark to make the burden lighter. Mark wants to make this better too but he doesn’t know how.

He falls asleep that night on the couch in Jinyoung’s arms, a restless, troubled sleep.

**1.**

They aren’t rooming together any more, but somehow Mark and Jackson find themselves staying up late together on their tiny balcony. They’re wrapped up in blankets and sharing a contraband bottle of soju between them and, to Mark at least, it feels like home.

“Well.” Jackson says when they’ve finished the bottle. “I’d better go in, make sure I still have space in the bed. Jaebum’s a blanket hog.” He stops at the door as if waiting for Mark to say something but Mark says nothing. The words won’t come. Jackson steps inside and Mark feels his spirits plummet.

 _The next time_ , Mark promises to himself, _the next time I’ll have something to say._ Maybe Jackson will keep his secret. If he does, does that mean he wants to keep Mark too?

**2.**

Actually finding the words to say to Jackson is harder than Mark originally anticipated. Any time they’re alone, the two of them, that glue Jaebum always jokes is at the top of Mark’s mouth returns and he says nothing. _Nothing._

Frustrated, he turns back to his notebook, the pages getting quickly full with the things that Mark hides in his heart. The flow has never been so good and he wonders if this is what they mean about suffering for your art.

His lips twist in amusement. He brings a whole new meaning to suffering in silence.

**3.**

Jinyoung, ever observant (though Yugyeom and Bambam would say nosey), notices the notebook. Instead of asking to read it though he simply produces a notebook of his own and flips to a certain page.

“Do you think you could write a rap for this?” He says.

Mark looks up from the page, eyes shining. “Yes,” he replies. “I want to try.”

**4.**

“You’re spending a lot of time with Jinyoung lately.” Jackson brings up the next time they’re semi-alone. 

“Yeah?” Mark whispers back, aware the other members are just on the other side of the practice room. “He asked me to write some lyrics with him.”

“Oh.” Is all Jackson says and Mark gets the terrible feeling he’s done something wrong.

**5.**

It’s pretty obvious to Mark what Jinyoung’s lyrics are about. That’s why Jinyoung gave him the chance to write the rap part, he’s sure. It won’t be obvious to their fans he doesn’t think, they’ll see just another cutesy song to a fantasy girl, but Mark knows Jinyoung better than that. He still has all Jinyoung’s secrets stored away after all.

“Do you think he’ll get it?” He asks Jinyoung during one of their brainstorming sessions.

Jinyoung snorts. “I’ve basically thrown myself at him on camera three times and he still doesn’t get it. I’m not hoping for anything.”

**6.**

Mark wonders sometimes if it’s normal to be so passive. It’s not that he doesn’t feel jealous or want Jackson’s attention because he does. But then he figures that Jackson is always going to have loads of friends who he wants to spend time with, always going to be pulled in a million different directions because there’s so much he’ll want to do with his time and energy, and the jealousy passes in a fleeting moment. This is the man he fell in love with after all. What type of love would it be if he didn’t accept all of Jackson, even the bits that might mean he sees less of him than he’d like?

Besides, watching Jackson’s face fill with joy as he teases Jinyoung or the fondness as he cuddles Bambam into his lap is much better than having Jackson all to himself anyway. Jackson looks best when he’s surrounded by people he loves.

Then he resolves, not for the first time, not to worry about it. He can’t love any other way anyway. 

**7.**

They submit the song to JYP’s scrutiny without mentioning it to the other members. Both of them are somewhat nervous about it, even after fine tuning it with the help of the in-house lyricist. It’s JYP that gets the final say after all. 

When JYP finally looks up, uncharacteristically serious and stern, and says _okay. I like it._ Mark swears his heart is going to jump out of his mouth. He hasn’t felt like this since they told him he’d passed the audition and was going to Korea. 

He turns to Jinyoung and engulfs him in a huge bear hug, even managing to lift him off the ground in his excitement. Their band is going to sing _their song_. He can’t stop smiling. It feels almost too good to be true. 

**_8._ **

They are handed Jinyoung and Mark’s lyrics by their music producer. He goes over whose lines are whose, shows them what it’s supposed to sound like. It feels completely surreal. He keeps catching Jinyoung’s eye and grinning because _these are their lyrics! This is their song!_

The younger members haven’t stopped ribbing them since they got the sheet, of course. Telling them they’re cheesy and reading the lines back to them in increasingly more ridiculous voices until Mark is doubled over in laughter, clutching his stomach.

Jackson is strangely silent and Mark doesn’t want to think what that means. Usually he’d be all over a chance to make fun of him and Jinyoung like this and the fact he isn’t sends a nervous twinge through Mark’s chest. In fact he and Jaebum stay quiet, only speaking when spoken to, for the whole journey back to the dorm. 

As soon as they get in the door Jaebum pulls Jinyoung into the kitchen. Mark hovers, hoping that his and Jinyoung’s gamble will have paid off.

“What the fuck, Jinyoung?” Jaebum snarls.

Jinyoung steps back, shocked, and Mark feels himself do the same at the sheer spite in Jaebum’s voice. 

_‘I know that beyond your mask you are the only person who sees my true intentions, you are the one. If you’re okay with me like this I will throw away everything and come to you’_? What is this crap?” Jaebum throws the lyric sheet down at Jinyoung’s feet, crumpled and smudged.

“You don’t like the lyrics?” There’s a waver in Jinyoung’s voice, a gentle tremble that belies how calm he seems on the outside. 

Mark looks between them. Jaebum looks borderline hysterical and Jinyoung stands as if he’s about to turn into dust any minute. This isn’t right. They’ve fought before, of course they have, but never has he seen either of them look like this. Like their whole lives depend on the outcome of this moment. He’s terrified for them. 

“It doesn’t matter whether I like the lyrics or not. Have you thought about what this could do to our team?” Jaebum hisses.

“Of course I have!” Jinyoung protests, close to tears. “I just couldn’t keep it a secret anymore. I had to tell you.”

“Right.” Jaebum snorts. “And you thought this was the best way to do it.”

There’s a moment of silence. Jinyoung fiddles with his shirt sleeve. He looks up from the floor, fearfully, as if he’s afraid of what he might see in Jaebum’s stare. “Did you… Did you know?”

Jaebum says nothing. He folds his arms and stares Jinyoung down. 

“I see.” Jinyoung’s voice wavers. “How long?” 

“I’ve had my suspicions for a couple of months.” Jaebum says. Mark’s gut clenches. It’s not a long time, considering how long Mark knows Jinyoung has been in love with Jaebum, but if he’s known about Jinyoung’s feelings for a couple of months and said nothing… What could that mean?

Jinyoung lets out a little laugh that sounds more like a croak. “I’m sorry for bothering you then, Im Jaebum-sshi. It’s clear there’s nothing more to say.”

Jaebum’s eyes grow wide. “That’s it?” 

“What do you want me to do?” Jinyoung sounds like all the fight has gone out of him. “Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it, Leader-nim.”

Mark sees Jaebum flinch on that last word. He doesn’t understand why Jaebum is being so cruel when he knows how Jinyoung feels. It’s clear he doesn’t feel the same way but does he have to be so harsh, so completely cold about it? He wants to storm in, interrupt, but it feels like there’s an invisible force keeping him rooted to the spot and he can only watch as Jinyoung and Jaebum’s relationship unravels at the seams. 

He sees how Jaebum looks conflicted now, arms uncrossed as if he might want to reach out and touch. He sees how Jinyoung has started to lean away from Jaebum, already trying to distance himself. He sees the strain that lies in the air between them. He is helpless to stop any of it.

Finally, after what seems like forever, Jaebum speaks.

“Just… Be careful, okay?” He says quietly.

Jinyoung nods, no longer looking Jaebum in the eye. He turns quickly and walks out of the kitchen, arms wrapped around himself so tightly Mark can see his knuckles turning white. As he passes Mark reaches out his hand and squeezes Jinyoung’s arm. He wants him to know he’s there for Jinyoung, even though he doesn’t know what to say or what to do. Jinyoung looks up at him and nods. Then he gently brushes Mark’s hand off and heads down the hall to his room, quiet and upset. 

When Mark looks back to the kitchen Jaebum is crouched on the floor, face buried in his hands. If Mark didn’t know any better he would have thought Jaebum were crying. 

**1.**

It’s hard to understand, sometimes, why Mark does the things he does. Even he doesn’t know. When he was a child one of his teachers had snidely said _you don’t have to do everything that comes into your head, Mark. Only idiots can’t control themselves_ but Mark doesn’t do _everything_ that comes into his head. Just some things. 

There are ideas, things, in Mark’s head that feel right and some that feel wrong. There’s no logic to it, just gut feeling that he follows. Some things always feel wrong, like putting bleach in his shampoo so Bambam will stop stealing it, but there isn’t anything that always feels right. Even Jackson doesn’t feel right all the time.

He’s the closest thing to it though. 

**2.**

Jackson is sitting on Mark’s bed when he comes back into the room. He has the lyric sheet in his hand and Mark has an ugly flashback to where Jaebum’s copy had lain, torn, on the kitchen floor. 

“ _‘I will come to you carefully. Don’t run away if I get there too quickly. I come to you step by step. It feels like you’re looking at me too._ ’” Jackson reads aloud. Mark’s heart beats faster in his chest. “I thought you didn’t feel strongly about anything, Markiepoo. You’re trying to get closer to someone? You have someone you like?”

Mark shakes his head. “I have someone I love.” 

**3.**

There’s no grand confession, no fireworks and rose petals. Perhaps that would have been the right time or maybe it wouldn’t. Mark doesn’t know. The fact of the matter is he didn’t tell Jackson he’s in love with him. It just felt wrong, and Mark doesn’t do things that feel wrong. 

There’s always the possibility it felt wrong because he’d just watched one of his best friend’s heart get torn to pieces. There’s that. 

Mark sleeps in Jinyoung’s bed that night, curled up against him as he sobs, wishing that he could take away his friend’s pain. Jinyoung’s secret isn’t a secret any more - and judging from the row he’d heard from the kitchen earlier maybe it had never been. He’s at a loss. When secrets are still secrets he can help ease the burden but what can he do when it’s revealed? What should he do?

**4.**

“Jaebum won’t talk to me.” Jinyoung confesses quietly. Then, “Maybe it’s a good thing. You know, give me space to finally get over him.”

Mark doesn’t point out that Jinyoung will still have to see Jaebum everyday, have to work with him. He doesn’t point out that if Jinyoung hasn’t fallen out of love with Jaebum after seven years, and half of that was when Jaebum was still a selfish brat, it’s unlikely he’s going to now. Mark doesn’t say anything because Jinyoung already knows all of that.

Instead he pulls Jinyoung closer and holds him. They sit like that for awhile, in silence, taking comfort in each other. He doesn’t tell Jinyoung that Jackson hasn’t been talking to him.

**5.**

_I miss you_. The words sit on the tip of Mark’s tongue every time he sees Jackson nowadays. He hadn’t noticed how many times, even when he was with someone else, Jackson would look for him. They would make eye contact and smile at each other. Jackson might come over to him. Mark hadn’t realised it before, but his life is so dull without Jackson paying attention to Mark like he used to.

One day he steals Jackson’s jumper off the back of the sofa when nobody’s looking. That night he wraps himself up in it and sleeps on Jackson’s bunk. It still smells like Jackson and he drifts off to sleep feeling warm and safe and content.

Jinyoung finds him like that the next day when he comes round to wake everyone up. Usually he doesn’t need to wake Mark. He’s usually the first one up, even before Jinyoung, but today he’s dead to the world - happily curled up in the Jackson nest he’s made for himself.

**6.**

It’s not something Mark or Jinyoung plan on happening, but with Jaebum still giving both of them the cold shoulder and Jackson seemingly focussing all his energy on Bambam, both of them end up spending more time with each other. They still spend time with Yugyeom and Youngjae but Youngjae more often than not becomes Jaebum’s shield against having to talk to Jinyoung and Yugyeom claims he’s tired of everyone not getting along and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of them.

Being with Jinyoung is easy. They don’t have to hide when they’re together. Just two guys in love with two other guys that won’t give them the time of day. Half the time they don’t even talk and just lie together knowing that each of them is there for the other.

Mark is grateful that he has a friend like Jinyoung.

**7.**

“Why would I want to room with Jinyoung?” Mark replies in genuine confusion when the maknaes when they ask him why he wants to move back into their room instead of Jinyoung’s.

Bambam and Yugyeom share a look Mark can’t interpret. “You’re spending a lot of time together lately.” Yugyeom says. There’s an inflection in his voice that means he’s not saying something.

“So are Jackson and Bambam.” Mark points out. _Why aren’t you asking if **they** want to room together?_ He thinks bitterly. 

**_8._ **

It’s 3am. There’s a copy of Jinyoung’s lyrics on the table in front of Jaebum. There’s a mug of coffee gripped in his hands so hard Mark thinks it might break. There are stains on the lyrics that look suspiciously like tear marks. 

_Jinyoungie._ Jaebum breathes, broken and haunted.

Mark turns and walks out of the kitchen. He feels like he’s intruded on something he had no right to see. He more stumbles back to his room, anxiety pounding through him. He doesn’t know why he feels this way but he’s sure that he’s managed to caused this. 

He shouldn’t have written those lyrics with Jinyoung. That’s the cause of this. Always, always he makes things worse. He thought it’d be fine if he didn’t speak, if his words were written down on paper instead - shaped, perfected and vetted - but no. As always, he’s fucked everything up.

He finds the bottle of soju he’d hidden under all the piles of shit Jackson had left. He won’t sleep now, he knows he won’t. So he may as well drink. 

**1.**

“Jacksooooon.” Mark croons drunkenly in Jackson’s ear. “I’ve fucked everything up, did you know that? _I’m_ the problem.” He giggles slightly hysterically. 

“Are you drunk?” Jackson says, attempting to pull Mark towards their bedroom before any of the younger band members see him. “And don’t talk like that.” 

Mark buries his face in Jackson’s neck. His laughter is starting to sound more like crying. “I wish I’d never wrote that song. Wish I’d just told you.” 

**2.**

One day, after his now-customary afternoon nap in Jackson’s bunk, Mark doesn’t wake up alone. There’s warmth blazing at his back and breath blowing across his ear and everything smells like Jackson even though the bed and the jumper stopped weeks ago.

“Jackson?” Mark mumbles.

“Shhh. S’not time to wake up yet.” Jackson squeezes his arms tighter around Mark’s waist and, despite the questions that tumble in his mind, Mark feels his eyes close. 

**3.**

Nobody talks about how Jackson has gone back to sleeping in Mark’s room just like they don’t talk about how pale and tired both Jinyoung and Jaebum are looking nowadays. The comeback has been scheduled but no one is sure if they can really make it with the group how it is. They’ve been dutifully learning their parts and practising, of course, even though their hearts aren’t really in it. 

Yugyeom looks close to tears any time he sees Jinyoung or Jaebum, Bambam hasn’t said anything snarky to either of them in weeks and even Youngjae’s eternally sunny personality is starting to fade with the strain the group is under. Mark sees it all. He just doesn’t know what to do about it.

He tells Jackson as much that night as they’re curled up together on Mark’s bed. He pours out all the guilt and worry he has into Jackson’s confidence in a strange mix of all the languages they share just like Jackson has to him many times before. He talks until his voice gets sore and he’s not even sure what he’s saying any more, but Jackson never interrupts him. They fall asleep like that, roles reversed for once. Never once does Mark feel like his words are making things wrong.

**4.**

Mark often wakes up in the night. When Jackson’s with him he sleeps better but it’s rare he goes the whole night without waking up at least once. Usually he just turns over and tries to get back to sleep but this time his bladder insists he move. He untangles himself from Jackson and makes his way out into the living room, absent-mindedly scratching his belly as he does so. As he reaches out to grip the handle of the door to the bathroom an odd sound stops him in his tracks. A moan. Coming from the bathroom. _Oh._ Mark can feel the tips of his ears burning. It’s not that he hasn’t heard any of them jack off before but it never gets any less embarrassing.

“ _Jaebum!_ ” Someone moans breathily. “ _Right there, **please.**_.” It sounds like Jinyoung. 

“ _There?_ ” Somebody else says and Mark leaps away from the door as if he’s been burnt. _Shit shit shit_ his mind screams at him, _they’re together, they’re in there **together** they’re fucking-_ He all but runs back to the sanctuary of his bedroom, wishing he could bleach all memories of this moment from his brain. 

**5.**

It’s really hard to look Jinyoung and Jaebum in the eye after that and it feels like his ears are permanently stained pink. Jaebum doesn’t notice, still apparently pissed with Mark, but Jinyoung does. 

“So, um. You know.” He says next time they’re alone. “Please don’t tell anyone. I mean, I’m not even sure what’s going on so… I’d like to keep it quiet for now. If possible.”

Mark nods. It’s what he’s best at, after all. Keeping quiet.

**6.**

This time it’s Jaebum not pulling away from the almost-kiss. He follows Jinyoung’s lips almost desperately , as if this is the last time he’ll get to taste them. As if him and Jinyoung haven’t been hooking up nearly every night.

Jaebum jokes about it later of course. Laughs it off for the cameras, saying they’ll be awkward with each other later. Yugyeom, ever eager to have things back to normal, plays along with Jaebum’s charade but Mark finds himself unable to. He’s not going to just pretend and play happy families when he can see that Jinyoung is hurting.

He can feel himself reaching the end of his tether.

**7.**

Mark places his arm on Jinyoung’s in the van home. Jinyoung gives him a grateful look and squeezes Mark’s hand with his free one. _I’m okay_ the gesture says. It’s not convincing, not when Mark can feel Jinyoung’s body tremble under his palm.

This can’t go on. Things can’t continue like this for long. Sooner or later something is going to break and Mark’s afraid it’s going to be Jinyoung.

Out of the corner of his eye Mark spots Jaebum watching them, gaze fixed on where their hands are intertwined. Seeing the bitterness so evident on Jaebum’s face Mark can’t help but feel that the breaking point is going to come sooner rather than later.

**_8._ **

One day, after their schedules, Mark and Jinyoung are lounging on the couch together as they often do lately. Mark is leaning on Jinyoung’s shoulder listening as Jinyoung tells him all about the last time he went out on a night out with the boys from Day6. He seems happy and Mark is glad. 

Their little moment of bliss is rudely interrupted by Jackson storming in and tugging Mark of the sofa. Mark hadn’t even heard him enter the room. 

“Jackson, what?” Mark says by way of protest.

“I need to talk to you.” Jackson replies flatly. He drags Mark back to what used to be their room and shuts the door firmly behind them. Mark feels his heart rate jump. There’s a small, secret part of him that hopes this is the moment Jackson confesses - even as the more rational part of his brain shuts that idea down.

He watches Jackson steel himself, ready to say whatever’s on his mind. He can hear his heartbeat and his shallow breathing over the silence in the room. He hopes Jackson can’t hear it. 

“Mark… Jinyoung’s been cheating on you.” 

Mark just stares at Jackson blankly, trying to work out what the hell Jackson’s talking about. He knows Jackson likes to joke around about the friendships in the band. When Bambam chose to room with Yugyeom instead of Jackson he’d been crying about how Bambam was swapping him in for a younger, taller model for weeks. It doesn’t look like he’s joking now though. His eyes, usually soft and playful, are hard and determined. 

When it becomes clear Mark isn’t going to answer Jackson huffs. “Oh come on! You know about him and Jaebum, everybody does.”

“Yeah?” Mark replies, confused. 

Jackson looks taken aback at that. “You’re not mad about it?”

“No?” 

Realisation blooms across Jackson’s face like a forest fire spreading. His eyes grow wide. The widest Mark’s ever seen them.

“You’re not dating Jinyoung.”

“What? No!” Mark breaks out into laughter at the stunned and horrified expression on Jackson’s face. He soon stops when he realises how pale Jackson’s gotten. There’s a sheen of sweat that has broken out across Jackson’s forehead. He looks like he might throw up.

“Jaebum thinks you are.” Jackson says. Then in a quieter voice he adds, “I thought you were.”

Suddenly everything makes sense. Why Jaebum has been such a dick to Mark lately, why he’s been sleeping with Jinyoung but ignoring him during the day, everything.

“Fuck.” Mark breathes quietly.

Then the anger that’s been brewing over the last couple of weeks erupts and all he can think about is ripping Jaebum a new one. He storms out into the living room and grabs Jinyoung, who is understandably confused. Mark doesn’t bother explaining the situation to him. He’s so angry he’s not even sure he could make them come out right.

He drags Jinyoung into Jaebum’s room. Jaebum sits on his mattress, surrounded by sheet music and a pencil in his mouth. As soon as he spots Mark and Jinyoung his expression sours. Mark wants to hit him. 

“Tell him.” Mark orders Jinyoung. It takes all of three seconds for Jinyoung to get it and then he’s shaking his head desperately, trying to worm away from Mark’s grip.

“Tell him.” Mark demands again. “Tell him who you wrote that song for.”

“It was for you, Jaebum-hyung.” Jinyoung says quietly. 

Jaebum looks from Mark to Jinyoung in confusion and then back again. He’s no longer hostile instead he looks like a small boy lost in the city, looking up at the skyscrapers that surround him. 

“Jinyoungie?” Jaebum’s voice is small. Something desperate lurks in his eyes.

“You were jealous of me and Mark.” Jinyoung says slowly. “That’s why you’ve been such a cunt to him. To me.”

There’s an edge to his voice that Mark recognises - Jinyoung is beyond pissed. He’s ready to tear Jaebum a new one and as much as Mark would enjoy watching that happen, he knows that they have to work things out between them. He can have his revenge later.

He slips out the room just before the shouting starts and almost runs straight into Jackson. 

“I’m sorry.” He says. “We should have talked to you.”

Mark just snorts in response to that. Anger is still running through his veins and honestly, he still wants to punch someone. He’s in no mood to talk.

“Want to go to the gym with me? I’ll hold the punching bag.” Jackson offers nervously. 

Mark stares at him. It’s the first time in a very long time that Jackson has invited him to anything. He almost wants to say no out of spite but there’s something about how hopeful Jackson looks that has him nodding his head. He really does want to punch something. 

**1.**

“Who did you write the song for?” Jackson says quietly as they get changed after showering at the gym. He looks nervous.

“Guess.” Mark replies, still feeling slightly petty. 

“I want it to be me.” Jackson slips his hand to Mark’s neck and Mark forgets to breathe. “Is it me?” 

Mark leans forward to kiss him. He feels like that should be answer enough.

**2.**

Everything isn’t alright straight away. That would be impossible. Mark graciously allows Jackson to move back into his bed but since that kiss at the gym they haven’t kissed again. Mark isn’t ready yet and thankfully, for once, Jackson seems to be picking up on his non-verbal clues. It’s kind of cute actually, how he mopes around like a lost puppy.

Surprisingly, he isn’t the only puppy moping around the flat and Mark isn’t talking about Coco. Jaebum spends most of his time sending Jinyoung doleful looks that Jinyoung pointedly ignores. Mark was expecting him to be all defensive but apparently even before the relationship has started Jaebum is completely whipped. Actually, when he thinks about all Jinyoung and Jaebum’s interactions to date, maybe it isn’t that surprising.

Even though it isn’t back to business as usual, everyone is relieved. Mark can feel it. Youngjae is smiling more and the terrible twosome that are their maknaes are starting to tease them again. He walked in on Jaebum with bright red ears after Yugyeom and Bambam were done with him the other day.

Mark smiles to himself. _They’ll be okay_.

 **3.**  
There’s no reason why one day, no different from any other, Mark leans over Jackson and plants a kiss on his mouth. They were watching some terrible film in Mandarin that nobody else had wanted to watch so they had the living room to themselves. Jackson had been giving a running commentary throughout the film that was funnier than the actual film and suddenly Mark had thought to himself _I really want to kiss him_. 

So he did.

The deer in the headlights look on Jackson’s face is more than worth the slight embarrassment Mark had felt at kissing him so suddenly. He giggles. Jackson pouts and leans up for another kiss. He looks nervous, as if he’s expecting Mark to push him away, and Mark feels slightly bad for the last couple of weeks. He shifts into Jackson’s lap and places his hands around Jackson’s neck. Smiling he leans down for another kiss. He feels like he could fly when he feels Jackson’s lips press shyly back against his. He feels like he could die happy.

Though he probably could have lived without Bambam’s horrified screams as he and Yugyeom walk in on him and Jackson still making out half an hour later. 

**4.**

“Jaebum and I are together now.” Jinyoung annouces one night, holding up their intertwined hands. Jaebum stands beside him. The tips of his ears are red but he’s grinning so wide Mark is afraid his face might break and the look he gives Jinyoung is nothing short of adoring.

“I’m happy for you.” Mark says genuinely. 

“Thanks.” Jaebum inclines his head in Mark’s direction. It’s the closest Mark is likely to come to an apology from Jaebum and that’s when Mark knows - really knows - that everything is going to be alright. The band is going to come out the other side. 

He smiles and lets the noise of his family wash over him - Jackson’s exaggerated congratulations, Yugyeom and Bambam gagging in the background, Youngjae teasing Jinyoung about having the single room and all the things they can get up to in there. He’s home.

**5.**

When Mark dreams, nothing makes sense. Once he dreamt he was the mad hatter and he looked on and laughed as a white rabbit ate Jinyoung’s legs. Another time he was a mirror in their flat and had to watch all of the others put on lipstick and dresses so they could go to the JYPE ball. Jackson was wearing white. Mark doesn’t really want to analyse that. 

Normally he would bury all memory of his crazy dreams as far down as he could and forget about it but he doesn’t keep quiet this time. Instead he tells Jackson about it in the dawn when Jackson is still half-asleep and quiet and the sun’s rays throw shadows over his cheekbones. He’s not sure whether Jackson is listening properly or not. He’s not sure it really matters, not when Jackson wraps his arms round him and whispers in his ear, “I like your voice. You should talk more.” 

Mark thinks he might be able to do that. Because it’s Jackson. He’s more comfortable in silence if he’s honest, or letting the soft cadence of Jackson’s slightly accented Chinese or English wash over him, but his own voice might grow to be a close third if it’s Jackson listening. 

“Okay.” He whispers back. 

**6.**

“I think I get it.” Jackson says. Mark looks at him questioningly. “Why you like listening to people talk so much. It’s like I carry a part of you with me now.”

Mark doesn't know what to say so instead he climbs into Jackson’s lap and throws his arms around him. It feels like his heart is going to burst out of his chest. _He gets it_. It’s almost as good as hearing the three words he so desperately wants to hear from Jackson.

“Don’t keep it all in next time, Yi En. I want to be there for you too, okay?” Jackson pulls Mark in close. Mark nods furiously into his neck. He can’t stop smiling even as his eyes fill with tears. 

**7.**

Mark wakes up warm and happy and surrounded by Jackson. He turns in Jackson’s arms, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to see Jackson’s face and convince himself this is real. He can see the traces of stubble on the top of Jackson’s lip and the acne that clings to his jawline even though he’s not a teenager any more. He’s beautiful. 

Everything feels right.

“I love you.” Mark whispers. He has a feeling Jackson already knows, but he’s finally ready to say it. So he does.

Jackson doesn’t hear. He’s still fast asleep and snoring but Mark doesn’t mind. They have plenty of time to say it.

_**8.** _

“I love you.” Mark says.

“Is that all you can say?” Jackson pretends to complain. He’s smiling, bright and broad, and is doing a terrible job of acting annoyed. 

Mark shrugs. “I love you.” He repeats, grinning. 

Jackson presses a kiss to Mark’s lips. “Love you too.” He replies.

They lapse back into silence then, the only sounds filling the room ones of the soft smack of their lips moving lazily against each other. Mark thinks he has never been so happy.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like Mark in this fic is somewhat neuro-atypical but there's no label I would put on him specifically. Just that the way he processes the world is slightly different.


End file.
